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Safety Week/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots, glass shatters ] harold: It's time again to turn off your alarm clock, turn on your vcr, pull up the chair, pull down the table, and get ready for, well, whatever it is -- I mean, it's fun, I guess. It's not really exciting. So, yeah, get ready for some fun. It's "the red green show," starring the star, the host, and my uncle, of course, well, because he's married to my aunt and he's my father's brother. So, here he is now, my uncle in your house, mr. Red green. Thank you very much. Thank you, harold. Uh, welcome to the show. Uh, we decided to have kind of a safety week up at the lodge this week because we're losing so many fishing days to injuries. I mean, when you stub your toe on a cast-iron stove and then you're jumping up and down and you end up falling on it and grilling your own rear end on a waffle pan then putting your head through the stovepipe, uh, you know, that might be funny in hindsight. But, boy, at the time, it's darned inconvenient. So we thought we'd have ourselves a little safety week and make the lodge just a safer place to work and play and stub your toe. Uncle red? What?! Are you saying to me I can't even start an interesting story without you interrupting? Well, no, by all means, if you got an interesting story, go right ahead. Please articulate it for us. Oh, yeah, okay. Here's red green with an interesting story. Wa-a-a! So, anyway, we thought we'd start off safety week by painting up some safety slogans. So, we gave the job to stinky peterson. But, unfortunately, he fell off the ladder and landed on the paint roller. Uncle red, this whole "safety week" thing is -- well, in the business, we like to call it a drag, dreary, depressing. It's just not for this kind of show. Why not? It happened. Yeah, well, so did world war ii, but we don't talk about it. "the red green show" should be bouncy and alive with lots of visual effects like this. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a! If we're gonna win the gemini award for "best show directed by a nephew," we should think about things like this. So, why don't you just introduce the next segment, and I'll take us into it. That's all right. I'll keep the story moving, harold. I'll just leave out the part about moose thompson and the boathook. Well, it's not the best segue I ever heard, but I guess I could live with that. Harold, are you wearing steel-toed shoes? No. Good. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ when I was just a little lad ♪ ♪ my father gave to me ♪ ♪ a strange and almost baffling little toy ♪ ♪ that filled my heart and parts of my lung with glee ♪ ♪ I shook it a couple times ♪ ♪ tipped it over once or twice ♪ ♪ and then sort of rattled it off the old man's shin ♪ ♪ could you imagine my surprise ♪ ♪ when it turned out to be a bottle of gin? ♪ [ hammering ] this week on "handyman corner," we're gonna show you how to prevent this that I have in my hand here. Now, this, uh, is not a charcoal briquette. This, uh, is a piece of bread, uh, the kind of bread that helps build strong cramps 12 ways. The reason it looks like this is because this particular piece of bread just spent a little too much time in this unit right here. This is the kind of thing that happens when people are too cheap to buy a decent wedding gift. But today, I'm gonna show you how to fix a toaster. Now, the first thing you do is take something like a fork or a kitchen knife, something like that, stick it down in there and see if something's kind of got it jammed in there. [ electricity crackling ] all right, well, that's good. That tells us the power is on. But I think we should unplug this. Uh... All right. Okay, we get her unplugged there, and I'll tell you, it's only one of two things that would be wrong with a toaster. Uh, number one -- you got your pop-tart drippings in there, and they've seized up the ejection mechanism, bunged her all up. So, what I use for that is the wd-40, or what we call the handyman's liquid wrench. I mean, this stuff could loosen the intestines of a warthog after a cheese dinner. Fire that down in there and... Now, the other thing that could possibly be wrong with it is that the heat sensor in the inside of the unit is stuck in the "on" position and just needs some sort of a jarring motion to kind of loosen that up. So, hopefully, between the two, uh, we've got this thing pretty well squared up. Uh, why don't I just plug her back in, and we'll just give her a try. I think you're gonna be surprised. [ electricity crackling ] gonna need a couple more of those units. All right. All right. Let's just see what happens here. [ clears throat ] well, she's not burning. I'll tell you, she's not even heating up. So we've done it. I mean, it's just that easy. Remember -- until next time, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ wd-40 spraying ] we're gonna take a short break, and then we'll be right back with a lot more info on the "safety week" thing. Well, it's not about the fire extinguisher in the outhouse, is it? Well, no, we'll let old man sedgwick tell that when he gets out of intensive care. "it is summer. "the sun blazes for hours. "you lean against a black car "and then gingerly enter the variety store "where you empty a bag of ice into the seat of your pants. It's not only refreshing. It's good sense." so, anyway, we're really getting into this "safety week" thing here at the lodge. So we thought we'd clear out all the litter and junk lying around. Not counting the furniture, you know? But we started picking up all the crap -- the tree stumps and the rubber tires and the hunks of boats, you know, and the pieces of plywood and the tractor radiators and a lot of the driveshafts and the muffling equipment and so on. At least we got the front hallway cleared up. And then moose thompson started counting up the life jackets, and we ended with, I think, seven complete life jackets and I guess about nine of what you'd call pieces of life jackets that we -- we just duct-taped them together and made a flotation ring for the beer cooler. That was great, uncle red. That was just great, kept the pace up and everything. That was fantastic. Way to go. Why don't we just move right along with the next part of the show? Why do you keep interrupting me, harold? Because the viewers want something upbeat. How about something beat up? Whoa, red green. Yeah. I thought I heard a voice. I hear lots of voices, but this time it's really you! Yeah, yeah. A real, live person. Yeah. Great. Can I touch you? Yeah, great! You're real! A real, live person! So, so, so. Ranger gord. Yep. Guardian of the forest. How's it going, huh? How's it going, huh? How's it going? [ sobbing ] oh. Okay. No problem! No problem! Good, good. That's great. [ clears throat ] [ sobbing continues ] I could come back another time if this is not a good time for you. No! Okay. Today is the first day of my 13th year up here. Oh. Lucky 13, huh? Yeah, well, uh, happy anniversary. Thanks. [ sniffling ] I made a cake out of bark and moss. You want a slice? Uh, well, uh, maybe later, you know? How do you keep track of the days up here, gord? Well, uh, every day, I'll get up, and I'll eat a bowl of canned corn. And then I'll go over, and I'll carve a notch into my tree. Yeah. Well, it used to be a tree, but I carved so many notches into it, it fell over. So, I'll go over, and I'll carve a notch into my log, and then... [ sighs ] I don't know. [ sniffling ] I'll listen to music. I like music. I got all the latest hits. I got seals & crofts. Oh, yeah. Lighthouse and captain & tennille. Leo sayer there, I see, too. Leo sayer, yeah. Yeah. I like him. Yeah, yeah. And -- good collection. Oh, yeah, I got one of these things -- these rubik's boxes things. Yeah, rubik's cube, yeah. Yeah, I've been working on this a lot. I'm pretty good at it. You know, I can solve one of these in just over a month. Can you beat that? I bet you I'm the fastest on the face of this earth. Uh, well, actually, gord, there are some kids who can do these in about 10 seconds. Oh, uncle red, great. I hope you're in a good mood this week 'cause the letters are certainly of a controversial nature. And I certainly don't want you to have like a heart attack or a stroke or a bowel disorder. Oh, that's nice of you to worry, harold. But that just concerns me and the people behind me. Okay, all right. No problem. You're the boss, so I'll just move right along. Okay, letter number one. "dear red, the possum king --" that's yourself of course. "I've been watching your show for 10 weeks now "and find it chauvinistic. "not one of your guests has been a woman. Why are there no women on your show?" [ sighs ] oh, harold, we've been through this a few times, haven't we? We've invited -- what would you say? -- Dozens of women on the show. And, uh, all we're getting so far is a "no, thank you." and, well, I know a lot of women are not all that interested in outdoor-sportsman-like activities. But we're more than willing to have them cleaning fish or doing laundry in the river, and all we get is negative, negative, negative. So don't blame me. It's not my fault. I'm not chauvinistic. We've done everything in our power to expand the show to include women. We did that feature on shopping for shoes. But nothing's working. I mean, the women just are not tuning in. Well, perhaps, maybe if we did something that was more in sync with women, like something with women's issues involved. Perhaps then they might tune in. What do you think? 'cause that's what I think. Well, what kind of issues, harold? Well, okay, for example, uh, an issue might be "equal pay for equal work." there's an issue, just say. Well, yeah, you can say that. But when a woman takes a man's job, she does a better job because she's trying to prove a point or something. So that's not equal work at all. Oh, okay. All right, that's very true, too. Okay, perhaps this next letter can shed some light on this situation because it, too, is of the same nature due to the preparation work done by yours truly. Wa-a-a! "dear red green, "what the hell do women want anyway? Signed, confused." I think it's a man. All right, well, here again, uh, you know, you hate to generalize. In fact, I never generalize. But, uh, I think the problem stems from women being narrow-minded. I don't think women are narrow-minded. I think you're narrow-minded. At least that's what I've absorbed from your dissertation thusly far. Harold, I don't think you could call me "narrow-minded." I mean, I pride myself on being the exact opposite of narrow-minded. Fatheaded? I could buy that. I could live with that. Red: In keeping with safety week this week, bill wanted to talk about fire safety. So he built a little fire there. Just, you know, pretend that's a campfire. And he wanted to do this kind of like one of those films they show in the schools, you know, to show the kids, you know, what not to do and so on without being real dangerous. So he wanted to pretend I was asleep. And he made that himself. Nice job, bill. Nice, nice. He thinks those are s's. And then he brought a little fake fire -- god, that hurt. Ohh! Whew. Well, he wasn't talking about injury safety. He was talking about fire safety. He was trying to get that thing in there, and finally he just asked me to hold it between my legs, which I wasn't real excited about. And then with -- oh, yeah, yeah. This is the first thing you can do to put out a fire. Yikes! Bill, bill. Bill. Bill. Hyah! A lot of pressure. We get a lot of pressure here up at the lodge. So, if you don't have a hose -- what did he go now? What was it? What was it? Uh... Oh, yeah. I remember now. Yeah. That was a bucket of water, I hope. And this is some of our beach sand from possum lake. Oh, oh, oh. Bill, bill. Hold it, bill. Hold it. Boy, that's tough on the contact lenses, let me tell you. So, next -- oh! Oh, yeah. Fire ext-- oh, yeah. These things -- I think that one had an extra-heavy charge in it. Kind of got away on him a bit there. Hang on, bill. Hang on. Hang on. Ohh! Look out. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Uh, so, we wouldn't recommend that one, especially when it's in bill's hand. Now, here's another -- he's gonna put the fire -- jump on it with a blanket. This is to smother the fire and just pack it right down and make sure no oxygen -- unfortunately, the edge of the blanket was getting into the real fire. So bill went and took another blanket to smother that blanket. And I think this one had been soaking in something or other. Oops. Yeah, that went up real good. Yeah. And then the next thing you know, bill had a bit of a surprise. [ laughs ] yeah, yeah, yeah. And I got the other fire extinguisher. But you know what's funny? You never think about reading the instructions on these things until you really are pressed for time, you know? Plus, I had the french side. But, uh, we got her. Yow! [ coughing ] well, you know... Uh, I wanted to do anything to put myself out for a friend or put a friend out for himself or whatever it was. Uh, I did not read far enough to see how you turn the extinguisher off. So I really had to use the whole canister on bill. That wouldn't do any damage anyway. Yow! We're just kibitzing now, you can see that. But I was really just trying to keep bill's mind off the injury. Aah! Didn't work. "it is spring." [ thunder crashes ] "me and the boys spend the entire weekend "bending the elbow, "trying to pull-start the damn lawn mower. Gord: Anyways, glad you're here, you know? 'cause it gets pretty lonely, especially at night. You can't see anything. You can't see anything? No. What about the moon and the stars and everything? [ sobbing ] I hate them. I hate them, you know? They just sit there. They don't talk. They're not like having a friend or anything. They don't say anything. No, I guess the moon can't talk to you like a friend could, eh, gord? No. No. They only speak german. Oh. I tried to learn german once. I sent away for these "learn german" tapes, and they sent these back. What the heck are these? They don't fit in my 8-track. Uh, no. No, I guess they wouldn't. Well, uh, gord, I'm sorry. I got to go. But really good to see you. You take care of yourself, eh? No! Please, don't go! Please! You've got to see the sunset! The sunset's great, okay? The sun will go down, and then if you yell and scream and beg, eventually, a thousand hours later, it'll come up again. You got to see that. Uh, well, I'll tell you what, next time we'll do that for sure. Okay. I'm here Saturday. Why don't you come by Saturday, okay? We'll have a barbecue and barbecue up some canned corn and beans, and then we'll go look for my rubik's box or something, huh? Well, all right, we'll see. Great. I'll look forward to it. All right. See you then. Okay, take care of yourself. Bye-bye, gord. See you Saturday. 2:15 sound okay? Uh, well, we'll get back to you on that, okay? Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Look forward to it. Yeah. See you. Oh, if you need some twigs, help yourself, okay? I've got plenty of twigs. Yeah, all right. Take as much as you want! All right. Harold, has your dad had a chance to talk to you about, you know, how your body's changing? Oh, yeah, yeah. He says I'm a whole head taller than he was at my age. Well, I'm talking about puberty, harold. Oh. [ laughs ] yeah. Yeah, we learned all about that in school. How do you mean? Well, now that you're going through puberty, your body, well, it can be a lot more fun. You know, but there's a responsibility that goes with that, yeah. You know what I'm talking about, harold? No. I'm talking about something you can buy in the drugstore. Oh, contraceptives! [ laughs ] yeah, we have one of those machines in the boys' washroom at school. But it's always broke. It's fun to think about, though. [ laughs ] I'm talking about deodorant, harold. I'm talking about putting stuff under your arms so people's eyes don't water when you walk into the room. I thought you meant -- or into the forest. You know what I thought you meant -- yeah, I know what you thought. Contraceptives. I thought -- harold, if you say that word one more time, we're not having any more of these open, honest discussions. Sorry. We're gonna take a little break, and then we'll be right back with more about safety week. Do we need more about safety week? Well, you don't want to get injured, do you, harold? We're up here at jimmy mcveigh's place. And he's working on this boat here. He's a postal worker, but this is his hobby. He's just gone to buy a propeller, and I think he'll be -- I think I hear him coming right now. Jimmy? Jimmy? My boat, my boat. How did she go? Did you get the propeller all right? Did I get the propeller? I went down to the bloody marina to get the propeller, a thing I ordered a week ago, and they had to send to hong bloody kong for it, and it's still not in. One week. So what did I have to do? I bought this instead. What the hell's that? That's a ceiling fan there, jim. This is a propeller. Oh, no. This is a propeller. No, that's a ceiling fan. I know it's a similar thing. No, no, no, jimmy. I don't think that'll take the pressure -- you know, the stress. It's spinning at thousands of rpm. I don't think that's -- that's not gonna work out, is it? Of course it'll work out. I mean -- well, jimmy, she's wood, you know? All the better, isn't it? I mean, she's wood. This is a boat. I mean, if you put a metal propeller on, the bloody thing comes off, she's gonna sink like a stone. You put this on, this falls off, it's made out of wood, she's gonna float. I can pick up the bits and fix it all over again. Brilliant. Brilliant. No trouble at all. I was thinking of patenting that, actually. Well, I wouldn't go that far. Now, how are you gonna mount this on here? You gonna just bolt that right onto the boat or -- geez, I never thought of that, you know? What I'm gonna have to do is, as I said before, that's my forte. Yes. I improvise. Oh. And what I'll probably do here is I'll look around, see if I can get a bit of metal, all right? Yeah, mm-hmm, yeah, yeah. Hold on a wee minute. Let's watch the master builder and how he crafts things just using his imagination. He's wandering around, looking at stuff. Let's see what he's gonna do. How is this here? Well, this -- come on, you bugger! Come on, now! I figure I could get a bit of a tripod support out of this here -- look. Uh, I don't think that's gonna -- that, uh... [ clears throat ] what's that? Well, that's the cameraman. That's his tv camera there. No, no, no, no -- that thing underneath the camera. That thing there. Oh, that's the tripod. That's a tripod. Is that made out of metal? Yeah. Excuse me. Um, uh, jim, I don't, uh... [ banging ] jim. Well, now, this is an exciting day. The first time in 6 1/2 years jimmy mcveigh's boat has a propeller. This is great. Indeed. Indeed. Will you hold onto that a wee minute, red? Will you? Sure, no problem. We're nearly there now, boy. Give us a hammer. No, no. Jim, you broke the hammer on the tripod. Hammer. Where's a hammer? What's that? Give me that. That's... So, anyway, by the time we got everything into the lodge, all the safety equipment, we decided to have a fire drill. See, 'cause what we'd done is we got one of them smoke detectors that sounds like 55 seat-belt buzzers all going off at once. And we had put rope ladders up against everyone's bedroom window. And we had some of them safety lights, non-explosive things, and we got some automatic sprinkler system. And we hooked the whole works up into a computer that moose thompson had made out of an old clothes-dryer control panel. So then what we done is we all went to bed and pretended we were asleep. Not the same bed. Uh, but, you know, after a couple of minutes of pretending to be asleep, son of a gun, we were asleep. And then, of course, the computer catches on fire, you know? But luckily now, moose had put the unit under the cupboard where we keep all the cans of insect repellent. So as the fire got going, of course, they get hot. And they start going off like hand grenades. I mean, it was like the vietnam war, except it smelled better and there were no mosquitoes. Well, of course, that woke us all up. Everybody's running for safety, you know? Old man sedgwick broke his arm on the rope ladder. Moose thompson just conked his head on a safety light. And stinky almost drowned from the sprinkler system. And, of course, I slept through the whole thing. But the point is that now we know the system works. And, golly, we can all sleep a little easier. So, if my wife is watching, uh, I'm coming right home after the show, and I'll walk the dog. Uncle red? [ laughs ] you don't have a dog. That's code, harold. Oh. So, anyway, until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and my dog and everybody else here at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice.